


to be seen, to be known, to be loved

by tvfanatic97



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Peter is the new student, The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-27 09:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21389809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvfanatic97/pseuds/tvfanatic97
Summary: MJ has spent years constructing this exterior of an aloof, mean loner girl to avoid getting close to people. It's by design, it's how things have to be if she is to avoid getting hurt, but the new boy at school Peter challenges her resolve. He sees her in a way that no one else does and starts to chip away at the walls she has built around herself.Peter makes MJ want to be vulnerable and open herself up even though there's a chance she may end up hurt.
Relationships: Michelle Jones/Peter Parker
Comments: 60
Kudos: 307





	to be seen, to be known, to be loved

Self-preservation (noun)

self-pres·er·va·tion | \ self-pre-zər-ˈvā-shən

  1. : preservation of oneself from destruction or harm
  2. : a natural or instinctive tendency to act so as to preserve one's own existence

It’s self-preservation that makes MJ decide to not engage with her peers, not get too close or attached. Through careful work involving distancing herself from those around her at Midtown along with the careful design and manufacture of her aloof façade, a façade that intimidates and maybe frightens most thereby making it easier for her to distance herself from them all. Anything to avoid getting attached to people only to have them betray the trust it takes to open yourself up to them and hurt you and ultimately leave you to try and navigate a world without them in a way you’re unprepared for because you’d always envisioned a world with them in it.

It takes years of work from middle school through to Midtown, but she carefully constructs her image as the intimidating, loner girl. Her role being to fade into the background and observe those around her whilst they pay her no mind or don’t notice her.

No one _sees _her but that’s okay because that is what she wants, that’s the way it has to be for her own self-preservation.

Until one day the feeling of being watched, of an intense gaze being fixed upon her, is so strong that it causes her to look up from her laptop where she was typing up the Lit essay they were set for homework earlier today – anything to while up the time and avoid being home until 8pm when the apartment's finally empty.

When she looks up she’s met by open brown eyes that harbour an unknowable innocence and fondness, she’s met by slightly too-long brown curls that almost fall over the open brown eyes along with rapidly reddening cheeks before the owner sees they’ve been caught staring and rushes to look away, embarrassed and cheeks going impossibly redder.

An unfamiliar feeling settles low in her stomach, a heat blooming within her cheeks but she manages to get a hold of herself, clearing her throat and shaking her head as if she can shake out the embarrassing feelings that almost snuck to the surface unbidden, then she goes back to working on her essay and wills herself to forget the last couple of minutes and whatever that was.

* * *

Except it’s not the last time it happens.

Though she’s captain of their Academic decathlon team, she has adapted such a style of leadership as to allow her to still maintain that aloof façade she worked so hard on over years so she keeps her distance. It doesn’t bother any of the team to be led by someone seemingly so cold, who’s curt and keeps things strictly related to decathlon, they’re used to her distance and exterior – her constructed image, the one she worked on over years, being a little _too_ good.

So the team always show up a minute before practice is scheduled to start and promptly take their positions to practice then when practice ends they’ll throw a quick “bye” to MJ just for the sake of politeness before rushing to leave the school building, all likely going to their happy homes or going on decathlon team hang-outs without her that they think MJ doesn’t know about; she’d be hurt if this wasn’t what she wanted. This is by design. This is how things must be.

Until one day the open and inviting brown eyes from before, from that time in the library a couple of days ago she likes to pretend never happened, show up to the classroom they’re holding decathlon practice.

Those same eyes momentarily drift towards her when he first walks into the class, causing the same unfamiliar heat to bloom within her. She rushes to look away, slightly (nay, a lot) embarrassed by her reaction to this new guy and his attention.

Fortunately before she can stew in her embarrassment, Mr. Harrington speaks out to the group. “Guys I’d like to introduce you to Peter Parker. He’s a new student who started on Monday and some of you may have already met him. Peter’s interested in academic decathlon and wanted to join so I told him to come along to today’s practice.”

Everyone politely waves and mutters “hellos” at Peter and to avoid making eye contact with him again, MJ busies herself with aimlessly shuffling her flashcards and sorting through them, as if she didn’t already have them organised according to subject and difficulty level prior to this meeting.

She’s taken out of her fidgeting when the guy – _Peter_ – comes up to her and speaks, starling her. “Hey, um, Michelle? You’re the team captain right?”

MJ blinks slowly, schools her features then, “Yep and yep.” Aloof, disinterested. Perfect.

“Mr Harrington said I could just show up to practice and be part of the team but as captain is that okay with you? If you want me to try out or like, prove myself to you first I’ll do it. I was on academic decathlon at my old school but that was nothing like Midtown, you guys are like rock stars and I wanna prove to you I’m an asset to the team and can be a worthwhile addition so I’m willing to—”

“Just – just sit down, let’s just see how you get on today,” MJ interjects to interrupt his rambling because whilst absolutely _not_ adorable, it’s cutting into practice time.

MJ tries and fails to not notice the pinkish hue that tints his cheeks with embarrassment, presumably. He wordlessly nods then sits down on the nearest chair, the one by her captain’s desk right next to where she’ll be sitting as she quizzes the team, which… “Um, can you go sit with everyone else? _Please?”_

“Oh, yeah, right,” he splutters, hurrying to get out of the chair.

MJ feels bad. “It’s just easier for quizzing, to have you guys all sitting in front of me is all,” and she doesn’t know why she feels the need to explain herself to this stranger.

“No problem,” he says sincerely with a small, understanding smile which momentarily has MJ taken aback.

She quickly recovers, going back into scary academic decathlon captain mode before she starts firing off difficult questions one after the other to the team. Peter fares well, like, _really_ well in fact. He answers the majority of the Science and Math questions with ease and beats Flash to the buzzer plenty of times which annoys the other boy and secretly delights MJ. He needs to brush up on his Arts and Humanities knowledge – something she’ll be sure to add to the Peter Parker performance analysis spreadsheet she decides she’s going to make today in the library after school – but overall, she’s impressed; he can definitely join the team.

When practice finishes, MJ pretends not to hear the team mumbling quietly amongst themselves, making plans to hang out, as she packs up her things into her backpack.

Once they all agree on a place to go they leave the classroom and it’s quiet, allowing MJ to finally relax and look up now that she’s alone. Except she’s not alone, when she looks up she finds Peter rearranging the tables and chairs back into the arrangement they were in prior to practice.

He must sense her watching him because he pauses his actions and looks up at her. “I know the janitors probably usually do this but, well, y’know,” he says, voice quiet and with a small bashful shrug.

MJ usually takes the time to put everything back to how it was by herself once her teammates have left to go and hang out without her, just because making people’s job easier is the decent thing to do. Seeing Peter taking the time to do that stirs something within her but she tampers it down, ignores it. Instead all she comes out with is, “You can join the team. But it’s on a trial basis.”

Peter beams at her words. “Thank you so much!”

He seems so excited by her news and the level of excitement of his reaction doesn’t quite match up to her non-committal words so she decides to clarify, because he's clearly misunderstood her. “It’s on a trial basis as in I still need to see more of what you’re capable of and decide on how you best fit into the team first before you're officially part of the team.”

“Okay,” he nods happily, still grinning widely.

“I can kick you off the team with no warning at any time if I change my mind,” she tries again.

He won’t stop grinning. “Whatever you feel is best for the team.”

MJ sighs, gives up trying to calm him down and goes back to closing her backpack and gathering her belongings just as he finishes putting all the chairs and desks back.

“Are you headed home now? We can walk to the station together. If you’d like, that is,” he says it so quietly that MJ has to strain slightly to hear him.

And, _what_?

Apparently she says her question out loud because he repeats himself. “I said do you wanna walk to the station together if you’re headed home? If you even get the subway to get home, that is,” he adds, voice slightly louder this time and with a shy smile.

MJ just watches him for a second too long to be normal before she catches herself. “Uh,” she pauses, clears her throat then, “No, I’m actually going to the library.”

He seems to deflate slightly but MJ thinks she’s misreading his reaction. “Okay, cool. Well, it was nice to meet you Michelle. I’m really excited to be part of the decathlon team and I promise I won’t make you regret your decision to let me join! On a trial basis, that is!”

MJ just nods her head in acknowledgement without saying anything.

Peter grabs his backpack then, “See you around, Michelle!” He waves goodbye excitedly at her before exiting the classroom, finally leaving her alone.

MJ just stands there in the empty classroom, thinking, for a moment after he’s gone. Peter Parker is strange. Too friendly, too nice, and far too excitable. She gives him a couple more weeks to become accustomed to her standoff-ish nature before he too backs off and stops trying with her altogether just like the rest of their decathlon teammates, just like the rest of Midtown High.

He’s new and still trying with her. Poor thing.

* * *

Except he doesn’t stop- trying, that is. Every decathlon practice they have he shows up early to help her set up then after practice is done he declines their teammates’ invitations for him to hang out with them and instead opts to stay behind to put the desks and chairs back to how they found them and help her clear up.

He also keeps trying to make conversation with her and is as friendly as ever with her, even when she offers curt, one word replies. Even when she offers non-verbal responses or sometimes just straight up ignores him he's still just as chipper and nice.

Usually that works for her. She’ll do that to people that try to make conversation with her or befriend her and by the third of fourth time they get that response – or lack thereof – from her, they stop trying and decide she’s just a bitch and not worth the effort. It’s why the decathlon team doesn’t bother inviting her to go and hangout with them wherever it is they go after practice, it’s why she sits alone on a large table she has to herself because everyone is intimidated slash scared of her so don’t dare to even sit at the same table as her, and it’s also why she doesn’t have any friends to speak of.

It’s what she wanted though, what she has spent years and years of hard work carving and moulding her rude and cold demeanour for. She can’t afford to let people in.

But this Peter Parker is different. No matter how rude she may be to him, how many times she denies his offers to walk home together or to study together in the library after decathlon whenever he’s headed there as well, he still always greets her with an easy smile and chats to her animatedly like she’s his friend.

And sometimes, _sometimes,_ she’ll catch him staring at her during decathlon practice. Initially she reasons that he’s watching her because she’s the captain and the team has to spend most of practice listening to her anyway so he’s just looking at her for decathlon-related reasons but then she also catches him watching her outside of decathlon too where there is no justifiable reason for him to be watching her. In their shared Chemistry and History classes, in the cafeteria where he sits alone a few tables away from her table, and in the library whenever they’re there at the same time together.

It’s _constant_ which makes her uneasy because what is it about her that could possibly be so fascinating to him? Why is he observing her so much? _She_ is the one who does the observing, the one who has moulded herself into the quiet loner to allow her to fade into the background and to stand in corners being the one observing people because they don’t realise she’s there, they don’t _see her_.

But Peter realises she’s there. Constantly watches her and makes her go from being the observer to being the observed, and she can’t pinpoint the why or the what. _Why_ is he watching her? And _what_ does he see when he looks at her or _wha_t is he hoping to see/find out by observing her?

Once, when they’re alone after decathlon practice she decides to call him out because this has gone on too long. It’s been weeks of him watching her, being nice to her and making conversation with her instead of just ignoring her and avoiding her the way everyone else does, the way she has worked so hard to ensure people do. “Do I have something on my face?”

His eyes widen, cheeks reddening in embarrassment. “Um, no. No, you don’t have anything on your face.”

“Then why do you keep staring at me?”

“I’ve just noticed that every two weeks you change the colour of the streak in your hair,” he says quietly, and he says it so quickly almost as if it slipped out and he didn’t mean to say it out loud. Her suspicions are confirmed when he carries on, all stutter-y, “Um, I meant I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable. I didn’t realise I keep doing it, I’ll stop. I’m really sorry Michelle, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do, sorry.”

“Whatever,” is all MJ says in response before she hurriedly walks out of the classroom and tries not to focus on the fact that he's noticed the little streak of hair she dyes fortnightly; a stupid act of misguided teenage rebellion to try and get any kind of attention from her father.

Whatever. She hopes if he had some weird fascination with her because she’s the loner weirdo and he likes a challenge or whatever other misogynistic bullshit, that’ll finally get him to back off. She hopes that he’ll finally stop with the whole being nice and friendly and considerate to her shtick that he’s kept up for coming to two months now. Hopes that he’s seen that she’s not so self-conscious that she’d lose sight of herself and become gooey and soft just because a vaguely cute and muscly (woah, _what_) guy is giving her a bit of attention.

She’s not that girl.

* * *

The staring stops just as Peter promised, but he unfortunately (or fortunately? it's a bit muddled) doesn’t stop being constantly nice and friendly to her and she just can't figure out why.

Maybe he’s the kind of guy that’s encouraged by girls being rude to him? So she tries to tone down her rudeness and not quite be nice to him, but she’ll occasionally smile back at him or offer him a two word response as opposed to her usual one-word curt responses.

He’s still just as friendly to her, it neither encourages nor discourages him to press her further. Instead, he treats her exactly the same on the days she’s a little bit rude and standoff-ish with him and on the days she’s as nice as she’ll allow herself to be to people nowadays, almost making her believe there’s no ulterior motives to his behaviour.

It almost makes her want to just not always be on guard and allow herself to welcome the opportunity at friendship he offers but she always catches herself before she does. She doesn’t have the kind of luck that would allow her to let people in, to get close to them without ending up getting hurt by them. She needs to be vigilant and protect herself. _Self-preservation_.

It’s difficult to be vigilant however, when Ms Addo assigns her and Peter to be partners on a class experiment in Chemistry. Especially when Peter just has to be so... Peter-like and keeps checking how she wants to do this, and which parts of the experiment she’d prefer to do and him to do, as well as just constantly smiling at her and making bad Chemistry jokes related to their experiment.

It’s cliché and stupid and she’d never admit it aloud but he slowly starts to chip away at MJ’s resolve, and by the end of the class he’s managed to get three smiles out of her along with a snort. MJ is so embarrassed and so disappointed in herself for allowing herself to show those three smiles and a snort that she just walks out of the class and heads to the cafeteria without so much as looking back at Peter as soon as the class is dismissed for lunch.

She heads to her designated table and takes a seat, closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths to compose herself because what has gotten into her?

She’s in the middle of taking some calming breaths and berating herself when Peter just appears in front of her with a tray of food balanced in one hand and her pencil case in the other. “Hey, Michelle you left your pencil case in class,” he says shyly, with an easy smile before bending down to place it on the table in front of her.

“Thanks,” she mumbles, looking anywhere but at his face.

“No problem,” he says, still smiling.

He just hovers there for a moment and MJ thinks he might sit down opposite her and eat lunch with her because after all they had a pretty good Chemistry lesson where they were bantering and working together like friends would do, and Peter might take that as an invitation to start sitting with her. But she doesn’t want him to sit down with her, Peter has been nothing but cordial- _nice_ even- to her and they’ve spent a fair amount together over the past couple of months he’s been at Midtown but MJ doesn’t want his friendship. She doesn’t want _anyone_’s friendship, that’s why she’s worked so hard on being abrasive and pushing people away to keep them at a distance. Inviting Peter to sit with her means more than just sitting together, and she’s just not ready for that.

“Um,” MJ starts to say, trying to figure out how best to go about telling him he can't sit here with her. Being rude and telling him to fuck off would probably have the desired effect of making him finally stop trying to be her friend and get him to finally leave her alone so he stops weakening her resolve, but at the same time she finds that part of her doesn’t want to be so outright rude to him, doesn’t want to completely shut that door and kill the possibility of a friendship. She’s conflicted and doesn’t know what to do.

“Well, see you at practice later Michelle!” Peter says cheerily after a moment, interrupting her inner conflict and saving her from having to come up with what to say. It’s like he can sense her unease about sitting with him, which is impossible, MJ never gives anything away and is carefully undecipherable. No way this new guy with his easy smiles and open eyes can just see right through her, can read her and just know what she’s thinking or feeling.

“Yeah, see you later,” she says, clearing her throat uncomfortably and shaking her head to rid herself of the unwelcome thoughts of Peter and her desire to let him in and be his friend.

Peter walks to his own table and leaves her alone to eat her packed lunch. She tries to ignore him and not think about him, but she often finds her gaze drifting up to look at him as he eats his cafeteria pizza and slowly sips on his apple juice box. Occasionally he’ll look up and meet her gaze, smiling softly at her before he goes back to doing whatever he’s doing.

MJ gets to thinking.

* * *

The days go by as MJ still thinks, and Peter remains Peter. Always greeting her with a happy smile, like seeing her is the best part of his day (which is ridiculous) and always coming early to decathlon to help her set up as well as staying behind after everyone runs out to tidy everything up.

He’s a constant presence, never faltering in his kindness and considerateness.

MJ would say he eventually wears her down, but that implies an uncomfortable insistence that borders on harassment— like he kept bothering her until the point where she felt she _had _to accept his friendship – but that’s just not true at all. She one day just opens up to him, just decides to let him in out of the blue and she couldn’t tell you why.

It's the end of another ordinary decathlon practice session and their teammates have rushed out to go hang out without them. When MJ and Peter are done tidying up the classroom they use just before Peter goes to say goodbye to her before leaving, MJ stops him in his tracks, “Hey, are you headed to the subway station?”

“Yeah sure,” Peter replies, his ever-present smile directed at her.

“Um,” MJ pauses, hesitates as she tries to regain the confidence that had caused her to speak out in the first place. She exhales audibly. “Do you – do you maybe wanna walk together there? To the subway station, I mean. Because I’m also headed there...to the subway station.” Stupid.

“Are you sure? Don’t feel like you have to if you’re not comfortable walking there with me, you can go first then I’ll leave after you in like 15 minutes.”

MJ snorts, it’s so unexpected and causes both her and Peter to freeze but she can’t help it. Right then and there she decides that whatever may have possessed her to ask in the first place, she made the right decision asking him. “No it’s okay, we can walk there together. I want to walk there, _together_,” she adds, her voice barely above a whisper and it’s a miracle that Peter even hears what she says.

“Cool,” is all Peter says.

“Cool.”

They stand there awkwardly for a moment, both knowing they should head out to leave the school building but both unsure and not wanting to be first to move.

“Um we should probably head out,” Peter eventually breaks the awkward silence. “Unless you’ve changed your mind, which is cool too.”

“No!” MJ protests before immediately catching herself, embarrassed at the mini-outburst. “I mean, um, let’s go,” she says before hurriedly walking out of the classroom with Peter following behind her, a respectable distance away.

Though MJ took the step to say yes to walking to the subway station with him she’s still not at the point of making small talk with him as they walk, which is stupid but it’s just how she’s built. Peter seems to sense that she’s not in chatty mood though, and never once tries to make conversation with her instead just walking beside her at a comfortable distance away.

When they get to the subway station they have to catch separate trains as they’re heading in different directions.

“See you at school, Michelle,” Peter says, again still smiling that same smile that he always directs towards her before he heads for the stairs to cross over to the opposite platform.

She watches after him for a moment until her train gets there and she catches herself and gets a grip because God, _what is she doing_?

* * *

On the days her dad is at work and she doesn’t have to hide out at school until he leaves the house, walking to the subway station with Peter becomes a tradition after decathlon practice. They don’t really say much to each other, just walk the five minute journey before heading their separate ways in relative silence, but MJ finds it nice surprisingly.

Even more surprising is the fact that despite how twice a week after practice they walk to the station together and are essentially spending more time alone together, it never changes the way Peter treats her or how he is with her. He doesn’t feel entitled to take more just because of the little she’s given him; he takes what little she gives him in stride and still treats her the same as he did before. He doesn’t get annoyed that despite her being the one to suggest they walk together and the fact that it's been weeks since they first started walking together; she never really makes conversation with him. Nor does he get annoyed at the generally slow progression of their friendship either.

He’s patient with her even though it’s been months, and perhaps it’s this patience that causes her to one day go and sit in the seat opposite him at lunchtime. She does it with no preamble, without making it a thing, just settles into the seat opposite him wordlessly then digs out a novel to read as she eats an apple that's cut up into slices and Peter just carries on eating his lunch, similarly pretending this is a totally normal thing that they've done plenty of times before.

Just like the walking to the subway station together after decathlon practice thing is now routine, sitting together at lunchtime also gradually becomes a routine. They similarly don’t really exchange any words, mainly because it’s taken a lot for MJ to let her guard down enough to sit in proximity to another human being out of choice and not because she has to because of a class seating plan assigned by the teacher. Making conversation with him would be a further step she’s not quite prepared for and fortunately Peter never tries to talk to her, like he can sense her unease and doesn’t want to push her; she hates how considerate he is and how he just seems to be able to read her despite how little words they’ve actually exchanged.

They go on like this for a few more weeks, sitting together every lunchtime, Peter helping her set up for every decathlon practice then helping her clean up before the pair walk to the station together.

The amount of time MJ is spending alone with him, _willingly_, is unbelievable, as is the fact that Peter just willingly spends time with her in silence despite the fact that she can tell how much it pains the usually chatty and hyperactive boy to sit in relative silence with her.

* * *

MJ is quiet, distant and unfriendly on purpose, by design because it’s easier than to open yourself up to people but the more time she spends with Peter the more she finds that she wants to open herself up to him, wants to be real friends with him.

The main problem is that she doesn’t know how to, is so accustomed to being closed off and not interacting with her peers unless absolutely necessary – quizzing the decathlon team, exchanging minimal words with her assigned partner in labs or for class projects – nothing social, nothing that’s not for the sake of her education.

But she really, _really_ wants to with Peter so she tries.

Except because of her aforementioned lack of experience, trying for her is her hitting Peter with a, “So you love those nerdy comics, huh loser?” pointing to the comic he holds in his hands as they sit in their usual silence at lunchtime after both having finished their lunches.

Peter sputters, the comic dropping down onto the table in his shock as his cheeks redden. “Um, uh, what—what did you say?” And he seems shocked that she’s actually saying something to him, which makes two of them.

“I said, so do you like those nerdy comics?”

After he’s gathered himself and the comic he’d dropped he sits up straighter in his seat and meets her eyes. “Sure, I like them. A lot, actually.” Then after a pause, “They’re fun and entertaining. Nothing intellectually stimulating like the classic novels you read though.” He moves a hand up to scratch behind his neck abashedly.

“That's cool,” is all MJ says, her brain scrambling for something more to say because she doesn’t want the conversation to die out yet, wants to keep talking to him but her brain comes up blank.

Almost as if Peter can sense her desire to keep the conversation going he jumps into to resuscitate it. “What’s the last novel you read that really stuck with you?”

“Oh, um, you don’t wanna- it doesn’t matter.” She appreciates him jumping in to keep their conversation going but she has to save him from the can of worms he’s just opened, he doesn’t want to get her started talking about books because then she might never stop talking and he’d realise how much she lives within the world of her novels, disconnected from the real world then he’d start to catch on to the fact that she’s not the cool, apathetic figure she works hard to pretend she is and she lives a sad life where the only bit of joy and happiness is through the vivid worlds of her novels and—

“It matters to you, so I wanna know,” Peter states it so simply and so matter of fact, interrupting her panicked thoughts. His eyes bore into her, almost pleading her to open up and share a part of her with him.

MJ’s overwhelmed by it and instead rushes to shove the book she was reading into her backpack and to get out of her seat. She thinks she offers some vague mumble of an apology but she’s more concerned with getting away that she doesn’t know if she gets the words out before she’s bolting out of the cafeteria and headed to the nearest bathroom.

She heads straight for an empty stall where she immediately settles on top of the closed toilet lid and starts trying to focus on slowing her breathing down and calming herself.

She doesn’t know what that was, doesn’t know or understand what’s happening and it scares her.

* * *

Her and Peter’s slowly developing friendship regresses to what it was at the start of the year when Peter first joined Midtown, they no longer sit together at lunch and MJ opts to go to the library after decathlon practice even when she knows her dad won’t be in the house—just anything to avoid Peter and spending time alone with him.

She half expects Peter to corner her or confront her to find out what her deal is but he remains as cordial as ever, giving her the space she clearly wants. He still helps her tidy up after decathlon practice is done but he never says anything to her nor does he ask her if she wants to walk with him to the subway station. He also goes back to sitting at a separate table from her at lunchtime.

It’s weeks of her avoiding him and ignoring him and his open, friendly eyes and easy smiles whilst she tries to figure out for herself what is happening with her – it’s times like this where she wishes her mom were still around for her to talk to about all her warring thoughts.

After a month passes she starts to feel bad because all Peter ever gives her is his patience and in return she’s nothing but rude and dismissive with him. He’s done nothing to show any indication that if she lets him in or opens herself up to being his friend that he’ll hurt her or leave her unexpectedly so she should at least give him – give their friendship – a chance.

So after weeks of pointedly avoiding him and ignoring him she stops him just before he leaves the classroom post-decathlon practice. “Hey Peter?”

He stops in his tracks and turns back around so he’s facing her. “What’s up Michelle?” He asks with a patient tone and a soft smile.

“Are you—are you headed to—” she stutters, pauses, takes a breath then tries again. “I’m sorry for being weird and ignoring you over the last month, I just—I’ve been going through a lot.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Michelle.” He gives her that same easy smile she’d missed being on the receiving end of so much. “I’m always here for you. If you um, _want_, that is.”

She wants to apologise some more, tell him that she is trying so hard to tamper her insecurities and fears and to open herself up to his friendship because there is nothing she wants more than to be his friend right now but she can’t seem to find the words, can’t seem to find her voice.

“Do you wanna walk to the station together?” Peter asks, breaking her out of her panicked thoughts in that uncanny way he’s always able to do like he can tell whenever she’s in her head and struggling.

She wordlessly nods, still unable to speak before following him out of the classroom then out of the school building to walk to the station. Just like they used to do before, they walk in relative silence to the station.

Peter walks her to her platform then just before he walks off to go to his own he gives her a small smile. “See you at school tomorrow, Michelle.”

“MJ.”

Peter squints his eyes at her, clearly confused.

“It’s what my friends call me,” she says with a shy whisper.

Peter’s smile grows impossibly wider. “See you at school tomorrow, _MJ_.”

MJ watches after him as he all but skips away towards his on platform, looking so cheery and carefree in a way that causes MJ’s own lips to stretch into a wide beaming grin because he’s ridiculous. He’s ridiculous but anyone who gets so excited about her giving them permission to call her by a nickname she’s never used with anyone before and confirming that they are her friend just may be worth her time, she decides.

* * *

Peter takes her officially allowing him to call her MJ and acknowledging him as a friend as his signal to start engaging a bit more with her by making small talk with her during decathlon practice and during their lunches . MJ doesn’t mind it, welcomes him telling her stories about his aunt’s failed culinary attempts in fact, but she’s not quite at the point where she’s ready to be the one doing the talking and sharing titbits of herself but Peter, ever intuitive and able to read her, doesn't push her to share and is the one who does most of the talking.

MJ doesn’t know how to do this friendship thing and Peter seems to sense that so he takes the lead. Their friendship mainly just consists of their shared lunches and setting up for decathlon practice then cleaning up afterwards and walking to the station together.

He never pushes MJ to advance the friendship beyond what she’s comfortable with which she appreciates but with the passage of time she finds that she starts to crave more, finds that she wants their friendship to develop and she desperately wants to be closer to Peter. So after weeks of psyching herself up she finally takes the plunge of asking Peter to hang out. “Hey, Peter?”

“What’s up, MJ?” Peter answers immediately with concern, placing the juice box he was drinking out of down on the table so all his attention is focused on her and her alone.

It still gives her pause the way he’ll always focus all his attention on her on the rare occasion she’s the one doing the talking rather than listening to him rambling. “Um, I…” she suddenly finds it difficult to say what she’d practised several times prior to today.

Peter just watches her with a small encouraging smile, no encouraging phrases to push her to say whatever it is she wants to say because that'd likely cause her to shut down.

She takes a deep breath in and out, focuses on Peter’s smile then steels herself to try again. “I was wondering if you maybe wanted to hang out outside of school sometime?” She gets the question out in a quiet mumble, face hidden behind strands of her fringe that have escaped her low ponytail to hide her face which feels hot all of a sudden.

“I’d love to, MJ,” Peter replies easily, helping to ease some of her worry. He waits a moment for her to gain the courage to tuck some hair behind her ear and look up to meet his eyes again before continuing. “What do you wanna do?”

“Um.” She hadn’t thought this far when she was in the process of psyching herself up to ask him if he wanted to hang out outside of their usual decathlon practices and school lunchtimes; she'd kind of convinced herself he’d say no because a small voice at the back of her head still told her Peter was only friends with her out of pity and because he didn’t really have many other friends in school, but outside of that would want nothing to do with her.

As MJ is in the midst of her inner turmoil, Peter speaks up—again like he can just tell she’s stuck in her head and needs a helping hand to help her out. “There’s a vintage book sale at a market near my apartment I think you’d like that we could go to. Or we could go and watch that new film ‘The Goldfinch’; I saw you reading the book a few months ago and I don’t know how you feel about book-to-film adaptations but I was thinking you’d like comparing them and making fun of the film if it’s bad or nothing like the book. Or, if not either of those things we could just go and hang out at a cafe of your choice so you can have all the caffeine your heart desires. ”

He says the last part with a small bemused giggle and reaches up to scratch the back of his neck nervously, but MJ is more focused on how she’d enjoy all of the options that he’s suggested. She’s taken aback because in all the months they’ve been friends she rarely ever says anything, rarely ever shares titbits about herself or her interests and yet Peter has somehow managed to pick up on these things.

She’s not quite sure how he’s managed to do it, she likes to keep information about herself closely guarded. She’s overwhelmed by the knowledge that he apparently watches her or pays attention to her enough to have picked these things up and she suddenly finds it difficult to breathe but instead of getting up and running away the way she so desperately wants to she forces her body to remain still, forces herself to remain seated opposite this boy who’s doing things to her that she doesn’t understand.

This is what she wanted. His friendship. So she forces herself to stay put and forces herself to open her mouth and to speak around the lump that’s inexplicably formed around her throat to say, “The first—the first option sounds cool.”

Peter just gives her that easy smile of his. “Cool.”

* * *

MJ shifts her weight on her feet a few times as she nervously waits by Peter’s front door. She’s still debating with herself whether she should just turn around and walk away and pretend she got sick and couldn’t make it to his place despite the fact that she’s already rang the doorbell.

It’s a debate that she’s been having with herself for the past three weeks ever since Peter floated the idea of them maybe studying at his place. He’d thrown the idea out there but didn’t make any solid plans for her come round, instead he offered it up as an option that’s available to her then left it up to her to arrange a date and time when she was comfortable instead of just assuming because they’d hung out more than a handful of times outside of school that meant she’d want to come to his home and meet his family. He was always doing that – leaving decisions to her so she could make them in her own time when s_he _was comfortable.

She’d spent the past three weeks since he’d offered the option to come and hangout at his apartment to study debating with herself whether to go through with it or not. On one hand she was scared of taking the leap in their friendship that going to his home would mean, and she was also scared of the expectation that she’d have to extend an invitation into her own home to Peter in return. But on the other hand she also appreciated the gesture for what it was, appreciated what it must have taken for Peter to invite her into his home and to introduce her to his last remaining family and she didn’t take that lightly.

So she’s here, waiting nervously in front of his door as she listens to him move around on the other side of the door along with some whisper-shouting to who she assumes is his aunt before the door flies open and she’s faced with a slightly dishevelled and breathless looking Peter.

A smile automatically breaks out on his face when he meets her eyes. “Hey, MJ.”

A smile breaks out on her own face, although hers is smaller, more reserved and shyer than Peter’s more confident one. “Hey, Peter.”

“Um,” he says as the pair just nervously hover in the doorway, neither sure of what to do.

They’re luckily saved from their awkward fumbling by a woman she assumes is his aunt who appears behind Peter. “Peter stop hovering by the door and let her in to the apartment, what are you doing?” she says fondly, laughing at their awkwardness.

She places a gentle hand on Peter’s shoulder to guide him away when he doesn’t immediately move aside, allowing MJ to see her face fully in all its beautiful glory. She has fond, welcoming eyes and an easy smile that reminds her so much of Peter. “You must be MJ. It’s so nice to finally meet you. I’m May.” The woman leans forward like she’s going to hug her and MJ momentarily panics but May stops herself. “Sorry, I’m a bit of a hugger but I know not everyone else is.” And that must be where Peter gets his considerateness and respect for other people’s boundaries from. “Come on in, MJ!”

MJ follows after Peter and his aunt into the apartment, briefly pausing to take off her shoes and place them on the shoe rack by the door to which May smiles approvingly.

After they exchange a few more pleasantries, May leaves them in the living area to settle in and start working as she goes to get ready for work.

“I got May to get us a bunch of snacks I know you like. Doritos, crispy M&Ms, carrot sticks and hummus, and we also have almond butter and apples that I can slice for you because I know you like to dip your apples in the almond butter—which is kinda gross by the way but whatever you…”

Peter carries on rambling about the snack selection they have available to them but MJ is again taken back by the fact that he not only bought the exact snacks she likes but also noticed that she likes to cut up her apples into slices rather than eating it whole. The bar is in hell, she knows this, but she’s touched by him paying attention to her. Even though this isn’t the first time Peter has demonstrated that he listens to her and actually pays attention to her, she’s still not used to it, still not used to the fact that he sees her and knows her to an extent. Months of Peter listening to her and paying attention to her to learn things about her is nothing to years of people ignoring her and not noticing her so she’s not accustomed to it.

“Can we just focus on studying,” she says, interrupting Peter’s ramble in a way that comes off ruder than she intended because she’s desperate to stop him talking and being sweet otherwise she might do something stupid like cry or run away.

Peter doesn’t seem offended by her being so blatantly rude to him, takes it in stride in fact. “You’re right, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s study then snack later as a reward,” he says with a conspiratorial—as conspiratorial as someone as sweet and well-meaning as Peter can manage—smile.

MJ feels her cheeks heat up in response. _Stupid_.

They study in relative silence for a couple of hours, briefly being interrupted by May saying goodbye to the pair and telling them to behave whilst she’s at work much to the embarrassment of Peter, until MJ gets hungry but she doesn’t stop them, feels like she’d be being a burden by asking for food even though Peter specifically said he got the food for her; it doesn’t make sense to her either.

“Can we break for food, I’m starving,” Peter grumbles in a faux-petulant manner at the same time as MJ is thinking about just how hungry she is, like he can read her mind and can sense that she’s hungry and is too shy to say something so is saving her the trouble.

MJ wordlessly nods and Peter gets up to go to the kitchen and get their food.

He brings back a whole assortment of snacks he was telling her about which he unceremoniously dumps on the dining table they were studying at then he goes back to the kitchen. When he comes back this time he has a plate of apple slices—green not red, just how she likes it—and a tub of almond butter which he places carefully on the table in front of her.

Wordlessly the two of them dig into their snacks, both too hungry to focus on anything else. When the hunger has subsided some, MJ finally speaks to break the comfortable silence they’d settled into, “Thanks for the apples, and all the other snacks as well.”

Peter covers his mouth as he continues chewing then after a moment, “Well it was all May who got this stuff so you should really thank her, not me.”

MJ smiles and goes back to eating in further silence.

Then after a beat. “She reminds me so much of you or—well, I should say you remind me of her since she’s like, _older_,” MJ stutters, huffs out a nervous exhale of a laugh.

Peter beams at the comment. “Thanks! May is the best person I know.” A pause, “And you, my best friend, of course.”

MJ feels her insides warm, warmth radiating from the centre of her chest and outwards to the tips of her fingers and toes at the term “_best friend_”. Before she cries or embarrasses herself she carries on with her previous line of conversation, “You guys even have the same eyes and smile.”

At that Peter pauses. “Well, um, we’re not like, biologically related. She’s my aunt by marriage to my uncle. He died a few years back and she’s looked after me since.”

“I’m really sorry, Peter.” She’d always assumed something happened to his parents when he’d always mention how he lived with and was raised by his aunt May, but she never knew about his uncle. Her heart aches for him because she knows a thing or two about losing your family but for Peter, someone so kind-hearted and pure as he is shouldn't have to know that pain.

“It’s okay, May and I look after each other,” he says with a small smile, though this one is a little sadder than Peter’s smiles usually are.

MJ offers him her own small, comforting smile in return, unsure of what she could possibly say to offer comfort. They sit in silence for a few moments and MJ debates what to do. She feels like since Peter shared something about his family, she should share something about hers in return because that’s how friendship works right? Sharing your deepest, darkest secrets and fears, right? She could tell him about her dad and how he’s hardly ever around, spending his time at work or at a bar drinking his life away and that the few times he is at home he spends his time avoiding MJ because she reminds him too much of her mom who left them when MJ had just started middle school. She finds that she wants to tell him so much, wants to open up to him and extend the same level of trust he has to her by telling her about his uncle and aunt but she finds that she can’t. She’s not ready to open herself up like that, yet.

As if reading her mind, Peter says, “You don’t have to tell me something about your family just because I told you something about mine if you don’t want to, MJ.”

Tears well up in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“You should never feel like you _have to_ do anything,” his voice is assured and even.

“I’m trying.” Is all she says in return, and it’s so loaded—she's trying to open up, trying to be a better friend, trying to share more of herself with him, trying to be better friend.

“It’s okay.” Peter moves his hand to rest palm down on the table close-by to hers, he doesn’t make contact with her hand or try anything, just leaves his hand nearby as a comforting gesture.

MJ chooses to focus on his hand that rests on the table near her own because she doesn’t think she can look up and meet his gaze right now.

* * *

“Hey MJ,” Peter greets, tone cheery and friendly as ever as he settles into the seat opposite her on the lunch table that’s now t_heirs_. Once he’s sat down and has his lunch laid out on the table in front of him he looks up at her. “Can I—” A pause, “Can I, um, get you a gift.”

MJ looks up from her book to look at him because… “_What_?”

“Can I get you a gift? I know it was your birthday last month and you never mentioned anything about it so I figured you’re not into birthdays but I want to get you something, not because it was your birthday but just because I, well, _I want to_.”

MJ doesn’t respond for a moment, a moment too long in fact because Peter panics and starts to back-track. “Sorry. That’s weird isn’t it? That was stupid—I’m stupid. Sorry. Forget I said anything, you can go back to your novel and I’ll go back to mine and we can just eat our lunch in peace and occasionally make fun of Flash like a regular Thursday afternoon and pretend I didn’t just ask you if I can get you a gift like the weirdo that I—”

She interjects to stop his not-not-adorable rambling. “Yes.”

“What?”

“Yes you can get me a not-birthday gift,” she clarifies. “Thank you for asking me first,” she adds after a second.

Her words cause Peter to smile brightly. “Okay, cool, cool. Give me a couple of weeks to get you something.”

MJ would be surprised that he doesn’t just give her a present right then, that he hadn’t already gotten her the gift after just assuming it was okay to do that without checking with her first, and that he’s actually taking the time to check it’s okay with her first before buying her anything, but she isn’t surprised because Peter is considerate and doesn’t push boundaries. That’s just who he is so it isn’t surprising.

Off the back of that conversation where Peter gets her permission to buy her a gift he returns exactly a week later and hands her a small box that’s carefully wrapped in a plain silver wrapping paper with nothing else on it; she appreciates the no fuss approach he’s taken to the gift presentation.

“Um, this is for you,” he says as he hands it to her, and again she appreciates that he doesn’t say something ridiculous like “_happy birthday!_”.

“Thanks, Peter,” MJ says awkwardly accepting the gift and placing it on the table in front of her. Once she’s placed her novel down on the table she then unwraps the present and opens the box and in it she finds a copy of ‘_Coal_’ the poetry collection by Audre Lorde she’d told Peter her dad had destroyed in a drunken rage a few weeks back.

“Peter—”

“My aunt knows someone who runs a bookstore, I promise I didn’t spend a fortune on it!” Peter rushes to defend, somehow already knowing what she’s going to say before she even says it.

“But you still shouldn’t have,” she says in between small sobs, she's not sure when she started crying.

“No I shouldn't have, but I _wanted _to. I know how much you love this book,” he declares it so simply.

MJ hurriedly wipes at the tears falling down her eyes, embarrassed by her reaction and embarrassed to be crying in front of Peter.

Peter for his part doesn’t draw attention to her crying. “May’s friend who I got the book from said it’s good that a little white boy like me exposes himself to works by people other than other white men so I may have to borrow it at some point in the future to actually read it because she was really impressed and I don't wanna let her down.”

MJ laughs, face wet and nose all snotty and finally looks up at Peter who beams at her. “Did you buy me this just so you can use it for yourself? Get your own!”

“Sharing is caring, MJ,” he says with a slight pout though she can still see the smile in his eyes.

She’s struck by feelings she’s not quite ready to acknowledge yet.

* * *

Those feelings that she’s not ready to acknowledge yet don’t go away despite her best efforts to push them as far down as possible. If anything they grow in their intensity and become harder to ignore, an ever-growing and nagging presence in her life.

As she hangs out with Peter at his apartment either just watching movies or binge-watching shows, there those unacknowledged feelings pop up. As they’re having hot cocoas and sharing a muffin at a local café, there her feelings crop up. As they’re sprawled out on Peter’s bedroom floor whilst she makes protest signs for the upcoming climate change protest whilst Peter unhelpfully makes suggestions for things she should add to the poster: feelings. As they do something as simple as stack chairs together at the end of decathlon practice or sit and eat lunch together in comfortable silence—_feelings, feelings, feelings_.

They keep growing and growing and are a constant presence, a nuisance, to the point that it becomes hard to ignore them and it becomes hard to be around Peter because all she thinks about are her feelings and how she wants to hold his stupid hand and kiss his soft lips and do other things that friends don’t do, things she has never once had the desire to do in the nearly year and a half the two have been friends.

It’s unbearable being around him, mainly because she knows that he doesn’t return those feelings because being friends with MJ is hard enough for Peter so why would he ever want more than the pathetic excuse of friendship she offers him?

MJ doesn’t know what to do with the feelings she now carries around with her, doesn’t know how to act around Peter. She’s mostly angry at herself because she spent years rebuilding herself after her mom abandoned her and took the shell of who her father once was with her, closing herself off to the people around her and not letting anyone in but had for some reason let her guard down for this soft-eyed brown, curly-haired angel and let him in and built a friendship with him. She allowed herself to get close to him and didn’t closely guard herself and her heart enough and now has feelings for him, feelings which he’ll never return and feelings that’ll cause him to leave her if he finds out about them, the way everyone always leaves.

She’s so stupid and so dumb and needs to distance herself from Peter, to leave him before he leaves her; self-preservation. So she starts ignoring his texts, starts eating lunch away from the cafeteria in an abandoned classroom where she won’t see Peter, stops going to Friday night movie nights at his apartment. It hurts, but it’s necessary.

It’s easy to distance herself because Peter is so considerate and respectful of boundaries that when she stops replying to his texts he doesn’t double and triple text, and keep texting her till he gets a response from her. When she stops sitting in the cafeteria at lunchtime he doesn’t hunt her down to find where she’s been going to instead. He doesn’t try to guilt her by saying things like “May misses you” when she stops coming to his apartment at the weekends. He just gives her space, and that makes her angry at him because how dare he be so considerate and respectful of her—that is precisely why she’s in her current predicament of having these stupid feelings that she has for him.

Truthfully, she’s really just angry at herself for allowing herself to catch feelings for him thereby meaning she has to stop hanging out with him and spending time with him and hurt his feelings in the process like this. If she weren’t so weak she’d have never befriended him and she’d have never allowed him in in the first place.

* * *

It’s been a month of not spending time with Peter and her feelings still remain but she convinces herself that with more time and separation they’ll eventually fade. Lies.

It’s spring break of their junior year meaning she at least doesn’t have to face Peter daily at school so she should be happy but instead she feels hollow and empty as she stares ahead at the quad of the university campus she sits on. Her sketchbook lays open on the ground next to her untouched despite her main intent when she left her apartment and came here being to come and draw.

She’s so distracted and so out of it that she doesn’t bother to check the caller ID when her phone rings out of the blue, just picking it up and pressing it against her ear.

She doesn’t say anything, prompting whoever is calling to speak first. “Hey Michelle, it’s Peter. You can hang up if you don’t want to talk to me but I just called to see how you were." A pause. "I know what today is and um, yeah, I'm just calling to check in,” his voice is quiet and nervous as he rushes his words out in a single breath, like he thinks she’s going to just hang up on him so he needs to get it all out before she does.

And she should hand up on him but she finds that she can’t. She instead breaks down and starts sobbing. “Peter, I—I just, I _can’t_,” she hiccups out between sobs.

“MJ, I'm coming to where you are, okay?,” Peter says decisively before hanging up without giving MJ the chance to even say where she is.

MJ mechanically places her phone back on her lap and goes back to staring out dazedly into space.

She’s not entirely sure how much time passes, it could be five minutes, half an hour or an hour but she’s brought back to the college campus she sits on by Peter coming to stand directly in front of her.

“Can I sit down?” He asks carefully.

She wordlessly nods, moving her sketchpad out of the way so he can sit down next to her. Then after a beat, “How did you know I’d be here?”

Peter hesitates before answering. “You told me you come here on the anniversary of, um, of your mom leaving to sketch because it helps to distract you.”

MJ isn’t surprised that he remembered.

“It’s been years, why does it still hurt so much?” she asks as she turns to face Peter with misty eyes.

Peter reaches down to pluck a few blades of grass out of the ground as he considers his words. “My uncle died three years ago now but I still have to take the day off school on the anniversary.” A pause. “I know it’s not really the same as with your mom, but that hurt never really goes away. It’s okay that you’re not okay even years later.”

MJ starts sobbing almost immediately.

“God, shit. I’m sorry MJ. That was stupid, I don’t really know what to say,” Peter splutters, fishing a packet of tissues out of his pocket and handing them to MJ.

MJ takes one and wipes her eyes then blows her nose and tries to be less of a crying, snotty mess. “I’m not crying because you didn’t say the right thing you dork,” she starts to explain. “What you said is perfect and has helped me not feel so alone.”

“Sorry for making your feelings about me,” Peter says sincerely.

And that causes MJ to start crying, again.

Peter wordlessly hands her more tissues and just lets her get it all out until she’s ready to speak. “You’re so sweet and so patient. Why are you friends with someone like me, Peter?”

Peter’s face contorts into an expression of confusion and he blinks rapidly, shaking his head in disbelief at her words. “_What_?”

“You’re so sweet and so patient, and still reached out because you remembered what day it was even though I’ve been pushing you away and ignoring you. I don’t deserve a friend like you, I don’t deserve to have someone like you in my life.”

“Is that why you’ve been ignoring me? Because you think you somehow don’t deserve to have me as your friend?” Peter looks genuinely hurt.

“You’re the best person I know, Peter and you deserve someone who is as kind and patient and wonderful as you are. Not a closed-off, aloof bitch like me.”

“MJ, you're not a bitch or aloof, you _are_ kind and wonderful and—”

She interjects to stop his attempts to make her feel better, “I’m not any of those things, and I don’t deserve your attention and patience.”

“MJ listen to yourself,” his tone is insistent, but still gentle and pleading. “You’re the one who told me that the notion of how someone must love themselves first before they can be loved is bullshit because we are all deserving of love. You’re deserving.”

“God you even remember all the little things I say to you, see—I don’t deserve you!”

“MJ—”

“It’s for the best that we stop hanging out Peter, I’m a burden—”

“MJ, I’m in love with you!” Peter all but shouts at her, effectively shutting her up.

The two just stare at each other, wide-eyed and breathing heavily. Neither says a word nor moves, she’s pretty sure neither of them so much as blinks, they just stay where they are suspended in time not knowing what to do next.

Then eventually Peter is first to move, to speak, “I’m sorry, that’s not how I wanted to say that. Today is a lot for you and I didn’t mean to compound more shit on you. I’m gonna go and give you space to think and because I don’t think you want me around right now, but if you need anything just text me or call me, okay?”

MJ just nods, eyes still wide and mouth still hanging open slightly.

“Okay,” Peter finishes awkwardly before scrambling off the ground and walking away, leaving her to watch after him still in a state of shock.

* * *

It takes a week of MJ thinking through everything, thinking about Peter’s words and weighing them up. Did he really mean them? Does he really love her and return the feelings she has for him? It seems unlikely, impossible even, but she knows that the only way to know is to face him.

So after a week of hiding out in her room and the local library when she needs to avoid her dad, she finally garners the courage to go to the Parker household.

The comfortableness she used to have when she’d come to study and for their movie nights is gone, she’s a nervous mess the same way she was the first time Peter invited her round all those months ago, shifting her weight from one foot to the other as she waits after ringing the doorbell.

She’s almost about to talk herself into just turning around and running away when the door swings open to reveal a tired and dishevelled looking Peter.

“Hi, MJ,” he says giving her a smile that causes his face to brighten despite the clear exhaustion behind his eyes.

“Hi,” MJ breathes out nervously.

After an awkward moment Peter steps aside to let her into the apartment. He closes the door and locks up whilst she takes her shoes off and places them on the shoe rack, then the pair awkwardly make their way through the apartment.

“We can talk here,” Peter says gesturing to the couch. A nice, neutral and open space because he’s thinking of her comfort, as always.

“We can go to your room, I don’t mind.”

“Okay,” is all he says in response before he leads the way to his room.

Once in there he takes the seat by his desk and allows her to perch on his bottom bunk then they just wait in silence as he gives her the space and time to gather her words.

After a stretch of silence MJ finally finds her words, “Did you mean it?”

A beat, then, “I am in love with you, Michelle.”

MJ inhales then exhales slowly and audibly, allowing the words and their weight to settle deep within the crevice of her chest. Allows them to be processed and stored within the structures responsible for her long-term memory because this is something she never wants to forget.

“I am in love with you, too,” she eventually says.

Peter smiles and she returns his smile, but neither moves from their respective ends of his bedroom.

“Why are you calling me Michelle?” She asks curiously after a moment.

“I wasn’t sure if I still had the right to call you MJ, I never wanna assume.”

MJ almost wants to roll her eyes because God- she loves him. She’s so ridiculously in love with him and she can't believe she ever tried to deny those feelings because it's so obvious and so apparent.

“Come here,” she commands, patting the spot next to her on the bed.

He comes to sit on the bed but he leaves a foot gap between them, ever the respectable gentleman. This time she does roll her eyes, “You can sit closer, Peter.”

Peter huffs out a nervous laugh.

“And you can call me MJ, dork.”

“And can I kiss you?” he asks, raising his eyebrows in a way that shouldn't be so adorable.

MJ reaches out nervous hands and places them on his shoulders to pull him closer before she breathes out an affirmative, “Yes,” against his lips.

To feel that easy smile he has reserved for just her pressing against her lips is incredible. Their kiss is hesitant, mainly because Peter allows her to set the pace and take the lead, doesn’t push her or take more than she offers.

After a few moments they pull back, breathless and smiling brightly. They look at each other for a moment then simultaneously break out into fits of giggles.

**Author's Note:**

> I am v unhappy w this and had to be talked into posting by perfectlystill (who is an angel who puts up w far too much). I usually plan out fics down to every minute detail but I kind of just free-styled this one and I'm v self-conscious about it so some feedback would be really, really nice. PLS.  
Anyway, hope you enjoy!!!
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](https://tvfanatic97-2.tumblr.com/) and on [twitter](https://twitter.com/dayaspsychic) x


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